


Nine Horrible Blind Dates & One Perfect

by Psmith73



Category: Walking Dead, Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Crack, Ensemble Cast, Humor, M/M, Romance, Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-18
Updated: 2013-02-12
Packaged: 2017-11-21 11:24:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,491
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/597180
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Psmith73/pseuds/Psmith73
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>AU. Rick recently divorced Lori. He desides to explore his sexuality. Someone gives him an idea to try an on-line dating service. Edited and expanded version. Bonus: Prologue.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings: Potential spoilers from Season 1-3. Rated for themes and language.
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own The Walking Dead or the characters
> 
> Special thanks to my lovely BETAs - doctorkaitlyn and undeadstoryteller - they are the best.

**_Prologue_ **

* * *

 

It was a bad idea. His guts were practically screaming that this would not end well. Rick gave his laptop a dirty look, as if the whole situation was its fault. Then again, he _had_ promised Lori, and Rick never went back on his word.

Ever since their divorce, Lori seemed to be obsessed with the idea of settling his private life, as if she was feeling responsible for their failed marriage and wanted to make it up to him. But in reality, no one was to blame. They’d been too young and stupid when they got married, and Rick had stubbornly refused to come out of the closet for many years, foolishly hoping that the attraction he had to his own sex would vanish eventually. He didn't want to hurt his wife or make Carl a child from a broken home. Carl was the main reason he'd never regret that marriage. Yet, eventually, they’d both realized that being together was not an option, and they filed for a divorce. At least they managed to stay friends in the end.

In hindsight, divorce might not be such an advantage after all, Rick thought. At times like this, he envied his friend Morgan Jones a little. Being a widower, he had full custody of his son. And no one could meddle in his love life.

He finally gave up and conceded to register on this ridiculous online dating site. For some unfathomable reason, Lori was convinced that it was the best solution for him. Sometimes her enthusiasm knew no  bounds.

Shane, on the other hand, was skeptical and strongly disapproved of his ex-wife’s plan. He said that only miserable perverts used the internet for dating.

Well, come what may. The only man he was truly attracted to was straight, and thus unavailable. And since he couldn't have the person he wanted, why not give this a try?


	2. Chapter 2

**1**

**_Glenn_ **

"Hey, dumbass! You must be Rick!" The young Asian looked at him disapprovingly. "I'm Glenn, Glenn Rhee - your date. Nice hat there, Clint Eastwood, but bad choice of a restaurant. Seriously, dude? 'White Horse' is always overcrowded at this hour. And their pasta tastes like rotten guts." Disgust was written all over his face.

For a moment, Rick was speechless. First of all, that was rude. Young people these days seemed to have no manners whatsoever. Didn't Glenn's mother teach him to be polite to strangers? Then again, the guy was... kind of cute, actually. Maybe Shane was wrong all along, and this dating thing would not turn out to be such a bad idea after all.

But the guy looked disturbingly young, probably too young.

"How old are you, again?"

"Twenty-three. Don't worry, people always ask me that question".

* * *

 

"Sorry I was a little rude earlier. Had a tough time running pizzas all over town, all day long. And I really don't like this restaurant. Let's hope we don't find rats' tails in our meal. On the bright side, they do seem to have a decent wine list. Always been a glass-half-full kind of guy." The young man looked at him from the menu and smiled.

* * *

 

The date seemed to be going pretty well. Glenn was sharp and funny and Rick found the young man's company quite comfortable.

"Recently divorced, huh. Sorry, man!"

"Don't be – we managed to stay friends"

"Well, that's great. I admire that! Breakups are hard. I know that from experience. Had the same experience not so long ago." Glenn's voice sounded bitter.

Rick felt uncomfortable.  _Time to change the subject_.

"So, you're a medical intern who delivers pizzas..."

"Yeah, that's a part time job – med school costs a lot." Glenn was quiet for a moment. "Broke up with my ex because of it. Well, that’s not the exact reason…. The real reason is because he is a stubborn, jealous redneck, who was convinced that I cheated on him! And with who?"

"Uh?"

"Maggie Greene! We were paired for this very difficult assignment in pharmacology class. So we had to work late couple of times. And all of a sudden Daryl gets jealous! I mean, yeah, she may have made some advances at me, but nothing happened. I swear! Of course, she _is_ very hot but you should've seen Daryl and his sexy arms. And if I did cheat on him, he would've known, because I'm the worst liar in the world. Always sucked at poker because of it… I even told Daryl about Maggie flirting with me! Anyway, those accusations were so ridiculous, it was beneath me to prove him wrong. I never questioned his friendship with Carol! Why the hell should I always be the one to apologize? Right?" the young man's voice ringed with righteous indignation.

"It's getting late. Should we skip straight to the dessert?" Rick asked hopefully. He was attracted to this kid and resolved to give him another chance, even if he didn't enjoy hearing about some other guy's sexy arms.

"I guess. And speaking of food!"

_Finally!_

"Do you know what weird gastronomic preferences my ex has? Daryl's hobby is hunting, so he would bring me all these disgusting dead animals to cook. Can you imagine? Once, we had a roasted o _possum_ for dinner! Is that even legal? I took back all the bad things I used to say about fried squirrels, because that obnoxious opossum beat them, hands down. But did I ever say anything against it? No! I even put up with that appallingly racist brother of his. Never seen him sober once! Yeah, my relatives aren't angels either, but at least they're all in Michigan! So I won’t apologize! Not this time. I'd rather ask Maggie out." Glenn tapped the table to make his statement more clear.

_Ok, that didn't go well either._

"And you know what else?"

_No. Just stop talking, please! Where is a damn waitress when you need one?_

"I think he’s spying on us right now! Pretty sure that was Daryl's bike on the other side of the street."

_Was that a giggle? Is he drunk or something?_

"Sorry, never been on good terms with alcohol." Glenn looked a bit red, although Rick wasn't sure if it was from embarrassment or the drinks.

"So your ex is stalking you? Do you want to press charges against him? I can help you with that, I'm a cop," Rick said.

"What are you talking about? Of course not!" Glenn gave him an indignant glare.

"I'll pay for the dinner, if you don't mind."

* * *

 

**2 & 3**

**_T-Dog, Merle_ **

"I'm going to kill you! I don't care if Carl ends up an orphan!" Rick practically shouted into his cell phone.

"So, I guess your date didn't go well, did it?" Lori's voice was calm. "Tell me what happened."

"We didn't even order a meal. That Merle Dixon happened to be not only a racist douchebag, he was _high_ ; he had a stash of cocaine and an unregistered gun in his pickup. I had to arrest him. Might have injured his arm slightly in the process of handcuffing. And now his lawyer Andrea Harrison, threatens to sue me for police brutality! I quit this dating crap - it was all your foolish idea in the first place!"

"Oh, no you don't! We had an agreement, remember? You promised me! 10 dates and you are off the hook." Lori's tone was stern and unyielding.

"You do realize how much this has sucked so far, right?"

"It's only been two dates, it'll get better. You might find the right person eventually!"

" _Three_ dates. Three horrible dates! The second one was with this straight guy that had a ridiculous name…. V-Cat, or was it T-Dog? It was so awkward and hasty that I don't even remember the name. Stupid online service messed up our applications. I've never felt so uncomfortable in my life!"

"You gave me your word!" Lori didn't sound sympathetic in the least.

"Fine. Tell Carl I'll take him for the weekend."

"Goodnight, love".

* * *

 

**4**

**_Jim_ **

_Talk about luck! This guy is a total lunatic! Did I somehow manage to piss off every god that existed?_ Rick warily looked up at the guy next to him. One thing was obvious – hygiene was not on the top of his date's list of priorities. Tattered old cap, stains all over the shirt and a scrubby brown beard didn't make thim appealing to anyone.

"And these voices... I hear them all the time!" Jim, as the man had introduced himself, stared blankly at Rick. "You have a son. Get a full custody on him. That ex-wife of yours is a crappy mother, don't trust her!"

Rick blinked. _Okay. That's odd. I never mentioned Carl to Jim. Remember to check his background later. And what is with all the sweat?_ _Does he have a fever or something?_

Rick looked for the waitress.

"Check, please!"

* * *

 

**Lori's voice mail**

"Lori, I'm calling you from the hospital. That creepy Jim guy turned out to be bitten by a stray dog. And I bet he was crazy way before that. Quite sure I saw him slipping something into my drink when I came from the bathroom."

* * *

 

**5**

**_Daryl_ **

_This guy is hot! Maybe the universe doesn't quite hate me after all! Just look at those arms! And that beauty mark! Okay, calm down, Rick. What was his name again_ _?_

"Dale Horvath."

_What an incredible voice!_

* * *

 

Something was wrong. Rick could sense it. It wasn't just that Dale was a bit tense and didn't speak much – it was this odd vibe that his whole body was sending.  _Hostility? No._ _Just nerves – he probably isn't used to this dating thing either_ _._

"Sorry, first dates aren't my thin'. Find it kind of hard to meet new people." Dale looked at him expectantly.

Had Rick just vocalized his inner thoughts?

"Me neither. This online dating thing was my ex-wife's idea."

"And how is it goin' so far?"

_Was that a glare? No. Wild imagination. Stop being_ _so damn paranoid_ _!_

"Not very good, to tell the truth. One terrible date after another. Not sure which was worse – the one that ended in the hospital or the one that ended in jail. Total creeps!"

_Now **that** was most certainly a glare! What is Dale's problem_ _?_

"So no luck, huh?"

"Well, the first one wasn't bad. Until he started talking..." Rick rolled his eyes.

_Seriously, what's with all this glaring? He's obviously mad about something_ _._

"Ok, that's enough!" Dale hissed, pointing his forefinger towards Rick threateningly. "You can call my brother names – he probably deserves it. But I will not stand you talkin' 'bout Glenn like that! I'd choose my words more carefully if I were you. Who do you think you are, Officer Friendly? And that choke hold you practiced on Merle was illegal, jackass!"

_Oh!_ _The puzzle is solved. Good news – I'm not paranoid. Bad news - this is definitely not Dale Horvath_ _._

"Daryl? Daryl Dixon, I presume? Want a free word of wisdom? Call Glenn and apologize, or Mary will win him over."

Daryl huffed disdainfully. "It's Maggie. And we'll see 'bout that. Free advice in return – stay away from Glenn!"

"Do you want to split the check?"

* * *

 

**Rick and Lori's phone talk**

"Hey, Lori! Remember my first date? The young Asian, who talked too much? Well, guess what! Mr. Five was his ex.”

"You mean the infamous jealous squirrel-loving redneck? Wow! What did he want?"

"Well, he got jealous and wanted to make sure that I'm not some sort of pervert, so he tracked me down and set up a date."

"Aww! That's adorable and romantic, in a weird way."

"I beg to differ. Besides, he also happens to be the little brother of the guy I arrested on my third date."

"Racist joypopper with a gun? Who claims that you broke his arm?"

"First, I did not break his arm. Second, it was his own fault all along! And you know what? I kind of feel for Glenn now. Wouldn't want to handle those Dixon brothers."

"Wait. Didn't Mr. Five have some other name?"

"Yeah, about that. He used his old neighbor's name to register on that site. That man should consider himself lucky that I didn't charge him with identity theft."

* * *

 

**6**

**_Otis_ **

_Wow! How huge is this guy? But then again it's not fair to judge by looks, I should give him a chance._

"So, you work at the zoo?" Rick asked, looking through the menu.

"Yeah, I tend for the animals. I really like my job."

"That's nice... I..."

"But hate the kids. Sneaky little bastards! Noisy and uncontrollable. Sometimes I just dream of shooting all of them!"

"…have a little son."

"Oh!" Otis turned beet red.

"Check please!"

_Mental note - never let Carl go to the zoo by himself._

* * *

 

**Rick and Lori's phone talk**

"God, Lori! I'm seriously reconsidering this whole idea now. Maybe I should try dating women again? The men I've been dating so far have all been insane!" Rick sounded desperate.

"Huh," Lori chuckled softly. "What makes you think that  _you're_  sane?"

* * *

 

**7**

**_Michonne_ **

_Well, one thing is for sure: this girl's stare could grind stones into dust._

Rick knew that he used a similar one while interrogating criminals, but even he couldn't muster up such a huge amount of… how could he even describe it? Vicious tension. Close enough. Rick had never felt so intimidated by a woman before. Or a man, for that matter. To his credit, a person of less fortitude probably wouldn't have been able to fight the urge to crawl away and weep in some far away corner, curled up in a fetal position. Rick managed to hold the stare valiantly and not look away. Only a thin sheen of sweat covering his forehead gave away the stress he was under.

And why was he in this situation in the first place? Oh, yes – now he remembered! Taking all his latest setbacks with men in consideration, he'd decided to give another try with women. Thought it might be easier.

 _God, I'm a fool._ And so much for the small talk – it turned out that Michonne's hobby was collecting weapons. Katanas to be exact. The only time that the girl's murderous gaze dulled a little during their date was when she gave him a mini-lecture on different types of blades and explained their differing qualities to him in great detail.

With all his recent luck, Rick wouldn't have been surprised if she'd turned out to be some kind of a serial killer.

_Speaking of which, is it safe to ask for the check already?_

* * *

**8**

**_The Governor_ **

"Philip Blake," the tall, handsome man introduced himself as.

"Have we met before? You look oddly familiar." Rick was sure that he had seen that charming smile before.

"You might know me as 'The Governor'."

"Oh! Yes, your face is on those ads all over the town! ‘Woodbury Company’ – the one that builds and markets mini-mansions."

"Yes, I'm the founder and CEO of the company. And if you're interested in buying a house, we have some very generous offers right now." The man gave Rick another dazzling smile.

* * *

 

So far, it had been a great date, probably one of the best in his life. Philip was charming and intelligent, had a great sense of humor and practically reeked self-confidence. _And what a beautiful twinkle the man had in his eyes!_ For a moment, Rick thought that maybe he had finally met his soul mate. They had so much in common: views on politics, taste in art, music, and literature. They liked and hated the same movies and supported the same sports teams. Hell, they both liked _golf_ _!_

Moreover, they both had unhappy heterosexual marriages in their past. And they both had kids.

And that was when everything went terribly wrong.

After Rick showed him some pictures of Carl, Philip decided to introduce his little daughter Penny.

Whom he had apparently brought on their date.  _In a funeral urn_. That was proudly seated on the dinner table between them.

And the beautiful twinkle in Philip Blake's eyes? It was a lot less beautiful when Rick realized it was caused mostly by sheer madness.

Rick looked up to the blond waitress and read her name tag.

"Amy, would you be so kind to bring the check, please?"

* * *

 

**Rick and Lori's phone talk**

"Okay, now I'm definitely done with all this dating psychos crap! Never again! Eight is as good as ten, and besides, some of them should count for five! I've exceeded your quota, Lori! This Governor guy was the last straw. And I have some suspicions about that Madbury Company of his."

"First, not all your dates were that bad," laughed Lori. "I saw that you're Facebook friends with Michonne now."

"We got common interests. Some things and stuff, if you know what I mean." Rick chuckled. "Besides, she has a katana! Common knowledge: never piss off a girl with a sword."

"And second – there are other ways to set up a date, you know!"

* * *

 

**9**

**Andrea**

Rick was pissed. Really pissed. Apparently, after his divorce, every friend and acquaintance of his had made it their mission in life to set up a date for him. It was getting ridiculous, especially since not all of them knew that he wasn't completely heterosexual. Like the Morales couple, for instance. They had been his neighbors, before he moved out and left the house to Lori and Carl. They had a nice and friendly little neighborhood back there; people used to gather to have barbecues on weekends or celebrate holidays together.

So he wasn't surprised when Miranda Morales called him and asked if he was available for the weekend. They were having some outdoor picnic and wanted him to join. Lori and Carl were out of town, visiting her parents and he had no particular plans. On top of all that, he was suspended from work because of the investigation around Merle Dixon's arrest. He needed to lighten up the mood a little. So Rick accepted the invitation. He regretted that decision. Because his friends had decided to set him up with a blind date. A female date. And worst of all – it was with Andrea Harrison. The lawyer of the bastard that could cost Rick his job.

* * *

 

Rick felt frustrated. On the bright side, it was awkward and uncomfortable for both of them, judging from the sour expression on Andrea's face. It was a hot summer day, and outdoor activities didn't seem that appealing anymore. Worst of all, they were all playing a stupid game that involved finding some hidden objects in the woods. He had been paired up with Andrea, of course. They were looking for a doll that was supposedly hidden under the bushes or hanged on a tree. _Useless waste of time_. Andrea had brightened up a bit; or, at least, she didn't look nearly as suicidal as she had. Perhaps the thrill of competition had gotten into her. He couldn't say the same for himself, however, and Andrea was obviously not pleased with his lack of enthusiasm. She started nagging him. And worst of all, she started to ask questions about the circumstances of Merle' arrest.

"Why would you even bother to represent that scumbag in court?" The constant nagging had gotten to him and Rick snapped.

"First of all, don't talk about my client like that! And secondly…" Andrea hesitated for a second. "I owe him."

"What?" Rick was confused. "Is he blackmailing you or something?"

"Not exactly. A couple of years ago, I accidentally ran down Daryl with my car. Nothing serious, he only had a scratch. He didn't press charges, but the accident was my fault and Merle knew that. Anyway, I'm going to beat your sorry ass in court!" With that, Andrea smiled rather viciously and then changed the subject. "So are we going to win this stupid game or not?"

Rick had a plan.

"Let's split up."

They decided to take different directions. When Rick could no longer see Andrea, he headed straight for the parking lot. And he didn't feel even the slightest bit sorry for dumping her like that.

* * *

 

**10**

**Shane**

Rick felt that since his coming out, he and Shane had gradually started to drift apart. Their friendship just didn't feel the same anymore. In the old days, they had hung out every Saturday – gone fishing, grabbed a beer, or something like that. Even Lori couldn't do anything about it, though she had some issues with it. Rick figured that Shane wasn't comfortable with his newly found sexual orientation and decided to give his friend some space and time to adjust.

But the circumstances had changed – Shane needed his best friend more than ever. A few days before, there had been a situation at the zoo: a worker had gone postal and taken some kid hostage. Shane had shot the guy in the knee and saved the child, but, as it turned out, said crazy worker had forgotten to close a cage with a tiger. The hungry predator got to the unlucky man before anyone could do anything about it, and such was the demise of Otis, Rick's sixth date. And he had thought that Jim (rabies guy) was crazy!

Now Shane had been driven into the dark depths of guilt and depression. He'd even shaved his beautiful curly hair! (Though, come to think of it, he did have a nicely shaped head.) Rick had to do something about it.

It was the end of their shift and they were the only ones left in the locker room of the police station. Great opportunity to invite Shane over.

"You have to snap out of it, buddy. It wasn't your fault. The guy went bananas and almost killed an innocent child! It's time we resumed our Saturday evenings. Come to my place at six," Rick left the room before Shane could give him an answer.

* * *

 

The evening was great. They drank beer, talked, joked and watched football on TV. Just like in the good old days.  _Well, almost._

"I guess Lori’s mad at me right now. I didn't approve of her new boyfriend." Rick idly took a sip of his beer, remembering their argument.

"Do I know the guy?" Shane looked at him.

"You may have met him at the New Year Eve party, the one the Jenners hosted last year. Name's Milton Mammet."

"The guy Edwin and Jacqui praised for some scientific achievements?"

Rick nodded.

"What's wrong with him? He seemed like a nice guy to me."

"My informant, Guillermo, who works as a custodian in the main office of the 'Woodbury Company,’ told me that Mammet works for Philip Blake. I have a strong hunch that something fishy is going on with that business of his. And after I met Penny, I wouldn't be surprised if he wasn't using an urn full of the ashes of his deceased relatives and friends to decorate his living room." Rick shrugged. "So, I just don't want that Milton guy anywhere near my son."

"Speaking of, where _is_ Carl? If Lori's on a date right now, why isn't he with you?" Shane raised his eyebrows. _Very neat eyebrows_ , if you asked Rick. _And he did have really beautiful eyes. And those eyelashes_ _!_

"He's at a sleepover at the Jones'. Morgan is taking him and Duane camping tomorrow. Carl's been sad lately... his friend Sophia moved out of town to live with her dad. First love, you know," Rick smiled.

"Poor kid," Shane said, taking another sip of his beer. "Have you heard – 'White Horse' burned down?"

"Yeah, I'll miss that restaurant. It was always overcrowded and their menu wasn't the best, but somehow that place grew on me. Any victims?"

"Not that I know of. Some old veterinarian from the suburbs injured his leg, and was almost poisoned by charcoal fumes, but he got saved by a firefighter, Theodore Douglas."

"Familiar name. I've heard it somewhere before," Rick frowned, trying to remember.

"The story was all over the local news. By the way, congrats on the closure of that Merle Dixon case!" Shane smiled.  _He had a gorgeous smile!_

Rick raised his bottle.

"Thanks. The stupid bastard went to jail, not for the first time either, for domestic violence. Almost killed his one night stand; some guy named Neil Gargulio."

There was another silence as Rick longingly looked at his best friend. He realized that perhaps it was he who had drifted away from Shane in the first place. For it hurt him to be so near and yet too far from the main object of his dreams.

"Why did you even bother with that online dating, when you could just ask me out?" asked Shane softly.

Rick was stunned. He didn't know what to say.

"I thought you liked Lori, not me…"

"You blind idiot!" Shane leaned over and kissed him.

"Well, doesn't tonight count as a date?" Rick grinned trying to gather his breath afterwards.


	3. Chapter 3

**_Epilogue_ **

* * *

 

Rick woke up in the middle of the night covered with cold sweat, remnants of an awful nightmare still in his mind. He rolled onto his back and bumped into Shane, who was peacefully snoring, dead to the world. _And he'd stolen Rick's share of the blanket_! They'd moved in together some time ago and were now adjusting to living with each other.

"Shane!" Rick leaned over his sleeping man and tapped him on the shoulder slightly.

"What the hell? What time is it?" Shane obviously wasn't enjoying being woken up.

"I had a bad dream. You went crazy in it and tried to kill me. It was horrible," Rick groaned, rubbing his eyes.

"I'm going to kill you now, if you don't shut up and go to sleep! We have an early shift tomorrow, remember? Leon will definitely make some more of those obscene jokes of his when he sees my seedy face in the morning. And this time I'll punch him, mark my word!" Shane reached for Rick, trying to spoon him.

* * *

 

"Hey, Shane!" Rick looked up from his laptop, "Remember that datingpsychos.com site? I still get requests from them! Seems like some couple, Axel and Oscar, wants to have a threesome with me. And that's not the weirdest part. They're asking me to bring along my own slippers on a date. Don't even want to think about what that might mean… have you ever heard of such perverts?"

Shane gave him a murderous glance. "You know what? That dream of yours, about me trying to kill you? It may come true after all, if you don't delete your account from that shitty thing, once and for all. Turn the stupid laptop off and give me a hand with packing for our fishing trip tomorrow. I promised Carl that I'd teach him how to catch frogs."

Rick smiled.  _He really was one lucky man._

* * *

 

**The End.**


End file.
